And the stress…..

 On top of the struggle of transitioning from having my husband home with me all the time to him being home only a couple of nights a week I am also struggling with my father’s diagnosis.  Apparently seven years ago he was diagnosed with dementia, but at the time they didn’t do anything about it.  Recently things have been getting pretty bad for him, and when my mom took him to see his doctor the doctor reminded her of his diagnosis.  They made some suggestions, but things are really going down hill super fast…..at least that is how it seems.  

My heart is broken because it is hard watching all of this happen so quickly.  He has become angry, says he hears singing in the walls……the list goes on and on.  My mom is frustrated with him, and I know she struggles terribly with all of this (who wouldn’t that is her husband, her partner, her protector), and that makes ie all the harder for me.  I see her frustration.  I hear her frustration.  I see her deep desire to want to find solutions…..and then I see all of the same with him.  

Honestly I started this blog two days ago, but couldn’t finish it.  My heart is broken, and I am so damn lonely.  Today I woke up feeling sad, and in despair.  I am trying very hard to keep a happy face for my kids, but life is starting to wear me down.  I feel like all I want to do is cry today.  Thankfully this little girl knows mama is struggling and she brings her silly little self over by me and plants a million kisses on me and snuggles in.  She definitely puts a smile on my face (ignore the morning hair and awful appearance….I just woke up LOL).

Of course, all the puppy snuggles doesn’t change the fact that I am missing my husband terribly this morning.  I don’t think he really realizes how much I miss him.  I so want to call him this morning, but know he didn’t get to his hotel until 12:30 in the morning, so I am trying very hard to be strong and not bother him.  I am trying to keep myself busy until I can talk to him.  

I woke up super early this morning and completely cleaned the house (after going to bed rather late).  I did the dishes, fed the animals, swept and mopped the entire first floor, washed the counters, washed the inside of the refrigerator, packed up some boxes to take out to the recycling bin, made Gena’s formula, and made both kids breakfast……all before 6:15 am.  It is now 6:50 am and I am planted on the couch with coffee and my dogs are sleeping around me.  One on the back of the couch, and two at my feet.  The kids are still upstairs getting ready for school.  Today is Gena’s last day of middle school…..tomorrow is Brennan’s last day of school.  As I sit here listening to my Lola girl snoring away I am trying to be happy. I am trying not to cry.  I don’t want the kids to see me crying when they come down, but it is hard.  I want to scream.  I want to holler.  I want to throw myself onto the ground like a toddler and have a temper tantrum.  I want my husband this morning!!!!

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