Woke up this morning really missing him
So I have to admit that this traveling gig is really starting to get to me. I know my husband did it for our family….specifically for our daughters so they could get the medication they need, but it is really hitting me hard today. This isn’t what I expected my “older” years to be. I didn’t expect to live most of the week alone without my husband. I didn’t expect to not see him for days on end. I didn’t expect my only communication with him would be the phone. The very same phone he has never been very good at using. I can send snapchats and texts and never get a response from him. Of course, this is nothing new, but I had so hoped it would change a little bit since he is gone so much. I sit here day after day after day with the kids going through the motions……wake up, let the dogs outside, put in my contacts, feed the animals, clean up the house (because I clean it so much there isn’t ever much to do), make coffee and sit and drink it, make Gena’s metabolic formula and breakfast for the two kids, remind them to do their chores, take a shower……I try to get out and do things with the kids, but the last two days have been so hot it is almost impossible to get out.
Yesterday I took them to see a movie and right after the movie we came home and I had to cook dinner, and they both ran to talk with their friends and I sat there all night by myself watching television.
Woke up this morning and the same routine as above. Erica asked me to go grocery shopping with her for the party so I did. We went out to lunch, but then I came home and there was nothing to do. Sat around watching television, made dinner, cleaned up after dinner, reminded kids to do their chores, got Gena to drink her formula, and now am sitting outside all alone.
My heart aches for my husband. I want him to be near. I want to get a hug from him. This is really starting to kick my ass. I thought I would be okay, but I am not. The problem is there is no going back. We cannot have him change jobs. He cannot go back to his old job because if he did then we are right back in the same place of trying to figure out how to pay $24,000 out of pocket for Genavieve’s medication (and another for Erica’s).
This isn’t fair. At 53 yrs of age all of my friends are enjoying their lives with their partners, but I am not. I see him one day here and there, and it simply isn’t enough. I can’t travel and be by him because we have the animals that need to be taken care of. I am literally sitting outside right now on my hammock swing in the 91 degree weather crying. It feels hopeless and like there is no end to all of this. I see no end in sight. All I see is me spending years and years alone and without him. Nothing will change until Brennan graduates from high school, and then I can travel with him. Brennan doesn’t graduate for six more years!!!! Six more fucking years of this. I don’t think I will be able to handle this. I can’t be alone this much. Not to mention all the chores that fall on my shoulders.
Yesterday at 8:30 pm I was in the backyard cutting the grass. Why so late? Because it was so hot all day, but I had to get it done. There is no one else around to do the job, and it really sucks having hubby come home and cut the grass on his one day off. That cuts into the time we can spend together.
What am I going to do? I just want to cry and cry and cry. I am trying so hard to not let him know how I feel because I know it makes him feel bad, but I just can’t do this anymore. I am so sad. I am so alone. Something has to change.
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