My absolutely insane life

 Ever since Brad started this traveling job I have been missing him so much.  It is those early morning kisses, kisses goodbye, and kisses hello that I miss the most.  I miss getting hugs from him when I feel like crap, or getting a back massage when I say my back and hips hurt, or a foot massage just because we are sitting together watching t.v.  He has also commented on how much he misses me, so I decided to have a pillow made with my face on it as a joke.  On the back I wrote something about how he can now take me with him where ever he goes.  I honestly didn’t think he would take it with him, but today I got this photo LOL.  Apparently we are sleeping together.   He is almost done with this travel contract, and has already accepted his next one.  I think the next one is going to be even harder because he is going to be even further away.  

 I find it absolutely hilarious when I am in online PKU groups and people post “does anybody like……” and they name a low protein product.  Why do I find this hilarious you might ask?  Because everyone has their own personal preferences, and you can have ten people say they like it and ten people say they don’t.  Heck even in the same family you can have one person like something and someone else not.   For example…..in my family I am the only one out of a family of 11 that doesn’t like tomatoes.  My entire family, and I think even most (if not all) of the significant others and my grandson likes tomatoes, but I hate them.  I think they are slimy and disgusting and make me gag.  So if I were to say, “does anyone like tomatoes” I would find some do and some don’t but then when I would try them I would find them disgusting.   Another example, is two of my daughters with PKU love the Daiya cheese, and one of them absolutely finds it disgusting. ...

 I am in a lot of facebook groups, and so many times I see people saying they couldn’t breastfeed because they didn’t make enough milk……this is very prevalent in the PKU groups I am in.  Sadly the reality is that most people can breastfeed if they know how, and have the education to know what things will and will not destroy or inhibit their supply.   For example, it is essential in the first days and weeks of life that a mom breastfeed as much as possible to set up a solid foundation or making milk.  When someone gives a supplement of formula (whether that is regular formula or metabolic formula for those living with PKU) they MUST pump.  If they do not pump the body doesn’t think it needs to that milk and that starts the process of the body making less milk.  Milk is only produced when milk is removed.  If you do not remove the milk then the body thinks it is not needed and doesn’t make more.   One of the biggest problems I think we have in this...

 I have been having pain in my hip since August of 2021.  When it first started I thought it was because I had just opened the daycare and was picking up kids, and getting up and down, and because I was working 65+ hours per week.  The pain persisted, and I just kept moving forward because what else was I supposed to do?  When I closed the daycare in February of this year I thought it would get better, but the pain never went away.  I tried resting and thought it was getting better, but it never went away and would seem to flare up off and on.   I finally decided enough was enough so I scheduled an appointment with the doctor and sent her a message letting her know what was going on and asking if I should see her or go straight to see an orthopedic doctor. I got a phone call telling me they want to see me sooner, so I went in today.  They did an exam, and then sent me for x-rays of my knee and hip.  Very shortly after the appointment I got the res...

 I swear people get brave on the internet and say whatever is on their mind because you cannot see them and are not face to face.  Today I shared in a keratoconus group these amazing sunglasses/goggles that I found.  I thought other people might like them and find them interesting. The rules of the group are that you cannot share links to anything, and if you do your post will not get approved, so I followed the rules.  The only thing this group does is allows you to screenshot and share a photo of the product, so I did just that.  I wrote my post, and shared that I thought these glasses looked cool, but that they were actually goggles.  Many people commented saying they thought they were cool.  Then suddenly some asshole posts and tells me that I need to just share the link instead of making people ask for it.  I reminded him of the rules of the group, and let him know that I didn’t make the rules, but I was following them.  He writes back a...

 I know I shouldn’t be blogging about this, but I just have to.  I cannot believe what I just read.  I was on a PKU FB page and a mom was bragging about how her 22 yr old son made his own dinner, and she has a picture of pierogies.  I thought to myself….”my 13 yr old can and does cook for herself”.  I just don’t understand why it is something to brag about when he is 22 yrs old.  Shouldn’t someone who is 22 yrs old be able to cook their own food (PKU or not)??? Then to add to it someone points out that they are store boughten.  So you mean…..this grown man should be praised for heating up something he bought at the store.  I am so confused by that!!!  That just makes zero sense to me!!!!! I think it is so important for everyone (PKU or not) to be able to cook their own foods and know how to feed themselves.  Heck even my 12 yr old cooks his own food sometimes when he wants something outside of meals, or if I am gone, etc.   I also t...

  I was diagnosed with keratoconus in my mid 40’s and when I was diagnosed I was told I had to wear these very big lenses called scleral lenses.  The lens itself is about the size of a dime and these lenses vault over the eye without touching it (they are hard lenses).  When you get these lenses one of the things they tell you is that you should not wear them when you are showering or in the pool, or any other time you might get water in your eyes.  The reason for that is because if water gets between the lens and the eye it can cause a terrible infection that could cause one to actually lose their vision.  The possibility of that has been very scary especially since I was so close to never being able to see again, and especially since I have spent well over $30,000 out of pocket just so I can see.  Anyhow, over the years I have never really been able to enjoy the swimming pool with my kids.  Don’t get me wrong….I don’t know how to swim and don’t enjoy...

 I am always amazed by the number of people who don’t understand their own disorder.  For example, three of my daughters has a rare genetic disorder called Phenylketonuria (PKU for short).  Anyhow, with this disorder they need to limit the amount of protein in their diet to reduce the risks of lifelong complications.  We have been doing this for 31 yrs now!   Anyhow, today in a group online someone asked a question about whether something was allowed in the diet because even though it would fit in the allowed amount of protein it had cream in it.  I responded that grams of protein for something with cream or something without cream would be calculated the same.  The protein content is the same, and some moron told me that 2 grams of protein from meat is very different than 2 grams of protein from tomatoes.  Ummmm, sorry but you are wrong.  Two grams of protein is two grams of protein. The protein content doesn’t miraculously change because so...

 One thing I have realized over the years is that many of the people I have served (especially for free) were people who never truly needed free, but instead were people who prioritized their money improperly.  I know this might seem mean to say, but I am a big put off by these folks, and pretty resentful at this point.  I am just really glad that facebook was not a thing when I was doing the majority of my free work because let me tell you a lot of these people would have been screwed.   I think what I hate the most is the people who could afford it, but didn’t want to pay and took free services don’t even realize that I still paid the price for working with them for free.  I still had bills to pay (especially on my building), and I still had a family to help support.  I so wish I could go back in time because I wouldn’t have done it.  I wouldn’t have started this non-profit and wouldn’t have provided so many services for free to so many people……my fa...

 I don’t really think I am feeling much better.  I am still stressed about hubby taking his next assignment and being so far away.  Don’t get me wrong…..I am grateful that he is doing this for our family. I am grateful that he took this job so my daughters can get their medication.  I am grateful that he took this job so I can stay home.  I am grateful that he took this job because it gives us the money we need to survive and pay for things that we wouldn’t have been able to before (or would have struggled to pay for).   When Brad started this job,  I envisioned us going to visit him and staying with him, but that isn’t possible due to the dogs.  We can’t just pack up and go and leave them home alone and we can’t simply take them with either (well reality is it is just Lola, because we could take he puppies).  I hate that I haven’t been able to drive down to visit him not once……with him only being two hours away, and me not being able to make...

 Today hubby was offered a new contract, but this time he would be going to Ohio.  I am so unsure of how I feel about that one.  He will be at least 6 hours away.  He thinks it might be a good idea because it is four 10 hour days which he says would leave him with three days off to be at home.  The problem with that is it will be much further away….the pay is also $200 less per week, and it would definitely mean no driving home after work to see me.  With gas prices as high as they are that has me a little nervous too. Right now he is two hours away and that was hard.  How will I handle six hours away?????   Part of the big problem is I think he is worried about getting the “ideal” job and if he passes one up then a better one won’t come along.  I have to admit I am a little worried about that as well especially since he has to have a new contract signed before this one ends.   Another part of what worries me is that they want to hire hi...

My day so far…..unfortunately I couldn’t sleep last night and woke up at 2:30 am.  I tried and tried and tried to fall back to sleep, but simply couldn’t.  I finally gave up and went online until I was tired.  It is so hard to go online when my contacts are out because I simply can’t see.  I know a lot of people say that when they don’t have their contacts or glasses on, but I truly 100% mean it.  It isn’t as simple for me as it is for some because without the lenses even bringing things closer to my face does not make them clearer.   I finally fell asleep around 3:30 am and three hours later I heard Brennan up.  Thankfully he took the dogs and let them out so I could sleep in.  I ended up sleeping in until 8:45 am.  I never sleep that long!!!!  Wowzers.  Just as I was getting up Brad called me which was nice.  I was able to sit and talk with him and he made my day feel a little brighter.   Then my dress for this weekend s...

 Today as I was scrolling through facebook I came upon a post from a woman who share the story of the couple who fought for their right to marry (they were two different races).  It got me thinking about the legality of marriage for my in-laws as well as hubby and I.  I did a quick google search and came up with the most interesting article ever….. https://historyofyesterday.com/preserving-white-purity-california-once-barred-filipino-men-to-marry-white-women-8280e60591e9 After reading the article it really got me thinking….there was a time period where my husband’s parents wouldn’t have been able to legally marry.  That also meant I would not have been able to legally marry him either.  For me that is so hard to believe.   I can still remember once I was meeting with a doula, and she saw a photo of my family.  When she saw my husband she asked me “what is he?”  I was very confused, and asked her what she meant.  She repeated herself, and I sa...

 So I have to admit that this traveling gig is really starting to get to me.  I know my husband did it for our family….specifically for our daughters so they could get the medication they need, but it is really hitting me hard today.  This isn’t what I expected my “older” years to be.  I didn’t expect to live most of the week alone without my husband.  I didn’t expect to not see him for days on end.  I didn’t expect my only communication with him would be the phone.  The very same phone he has never been very good at using.  I can send snapchats and texts and never get a response from him.  Of course, this is nothing new, but I had so hoped it would change a little bit since he is gone so much.  I sit here day after day after day with the kids going through the motions……wake up, let the dogs outside, put in my contacts, feed the animals, clean up the house (because I clean it so much there isn’t ever much to do), make coffee and sit and ...

 I have been working for myself since 2003…..in 2010 I started my non-profit organization and started to train birth doulas…..in time I started to train childbirth educators, and postpartum doulas.  Then in 2015 I started to train for ICEA, but still trained for myself.  This year the fees associated with training for ICEA is just way too much.  COVID really messed up me being able to train people, and I simply cannot justify paying those fees and re-certifying as a trainer.  I let ICEA know that I was no longer training for them, and switched everything on my website to only MTM.  ICEA is only mentioned once on my website and it is in the cancellation policy where it says I no longer train for ICEA.  Well, today I get an email from ICEA telling me I need to stop training immediately and remove all workshops from my website.  Ummmm, nope will not do that.  I have been training for my organization since 2010, and I plan on continuing.  I ...

 My eyes are the biggest pain in the ass EVER.  For those who don’t know, I was diagnosed with an eye disorder called keratoconus in my mid 40’s.  This is normally something most people get diagnosed with rather young, but somehow it didn’t hit me until later in life.  So I was diagnosed in my mid 40’s and no one told me about the surgery that I could have to prevent the progression.  They just gave me these ginormous, hard contacts and sent me on my way.  Four years later when I went to a different doctor he starts freaking out because my left eye is so bad he recommends a cornea transplant and I need to hurry and get the surgery to stop the progression on the right eye.  I am frantic and start getting second, third, fourth, fifth opinions.  All options are not paid for by insurance, but I really wanted to try and save my cornea.  There was a procedure in Germany that would have corrected it, but my left eye was too far gone and not a candid...

  I am so happy because hubby came home this weekend.  Yesterday we had the family over to celebrate our daughter’s 31st birthday a few days late.  We had a cookout, everyone sat around and enjoyed the beautiful weather, and we had cake.   This morning when I woke up I did my whole daily routine like I do every day when he is gone.  When he woke up he found me outside sitting in my hammock swing drinking my coffee.  He decided to join me outside but quickly realized it was cold out LOL. He got a blanket and sat out, but was less than thrilled by how chilly it was.  You can see it in his face when I took this photo. After everyone got ready for the day we decided to take the kids out for lunch and then went on a hike.  At first we were going to go down to Grant Park, but we have been there so many times I just didn’t want to.  We actually got all the way to the park, got out of the car, and started walking and changed out minds.  Instead ...

 Now that my husband is traveling for work I have a huge bed all to myself.  So what do I do with all of that space?  I let the two little dogs sleep with me.  Because I am worried about rolling over or kicking one of them off the bed I taught them that they are supposed to sleep on the little dog beds I have on my bed.  There is one for each of them, but sometimes they sleep in the same little bed.  Penny and Lilly are so used to our schedule…..dinner, clean up, sit outside for a little bit or relax in the living room, and then once the kids go upstairs it is to mom’s room to relax and watch t.v., knit, spend time on the internet, but just be in bed.    Whenever I head to my room both of them run in and climb the stairs up to the bed, and get into their own little beds.   Today Lillian must have wanted to go to bed early because I came into my room and found her like this.  She just kept looking at me like “is it bedtime yet?”   I ...

 I can hardly believe that yesterday my baby girl graduated from 8th grade and is now moving onto high school.  She is my last daughter to make this transition (only have a son left to make the move).   Where has the time gone?  How could this be?  I can still remember her being that tiny little baby with the Mohawk that wouldn’t stay down no matter what we did.   It was so great because yesterday two of her sisters came over to help her get ready.  One did her hair and one did her make-up, and she felt like a little princess getting ready.  You could just see her excitement.   What is really funny about this day is she chose her dress off of amazon without ever trying it on.  I was so worried about that move, but it all turned out okay.  Then she found these shoes she wanted, but I felt they were too high.  I refused to buy them for her.  I found a pair that was slightly shorter, but looked exactly the same, but nope she ...

  Today my third child turns 31 yrs old.  Where has the time gone?  How could I be this old?  How could she be this old?  As I sit here contemplating my life, and how quickly it goes by I am thinking about my own mortality.  Reality is we are only on this earth for a blink of an eye, and that is how it feels right now.   I can remember when the kids were little, especially the child with the birthday today.  She was my wild child.  She was the one that always had a mind of her own.  She was the strong willed child who would never back down.  I can remember countless times I was embarrassed by her wild behavior, and so stressed out that people would think I was a bad mom because of her horrendous behavior.  This is the child who never sat still.  This is the child who would never listen.  This is the child that would run off laughing.  This is the child that no threat or promise of a treat or anything else would w...

 For anyone who knows me they know I have never been one to really drink alcohol……even when I was younger I never really drank.  Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) I became a mother very early in life.  Right out of high school I found out I was pregnant, and took that responsibility very, very seriously.  I vowed to do what was absolutely the best for that baby, and I always did.  For me that meant never going out (I mean this literally…..the first time I ever sat at a bar was with my mother-in-law before a Cher concert).  I have never been the type of person to have wine with my dinner…..nothing.  My life was pretty much focused on my kids (it still is). Right around the time hubby left for his travel job I decided I wanted to have a margarita (on the rare occasion I had a drink on vacation I found I like margaritas), so I bought all the stuff to make one.  When the adult children saw I had alcohol in the refrigerator...

 On top of the struggle of transitioning from having my husband home with me all the time to him being home only a couple of nights a week I am also struggling with my father’s diagnosis.  Apparently seven years ago he was diagnosed with dementia, but at the time they didn’t do anything about it.  Recently things have been getting pretty bad for him, and when my mom took him to see his doctor the doctor reminded her of his diagnosis.  They made some suggestions, but things are really going down hill super fast…..at least that is how it seems.   My heart is broken because it is hard watching all of this happen so quickly.  He has become angry, says he hears singing in the walls……the list goes on and on.  My mom is frustrated with him, and I know she struggles terribly with all of this (who wouldn’t that is her husband, her partner, her protector), and that makes ie all the harder for me.  I see her frustration.  I hear her frustration.  I...

 Someone who is a friend on facebook with me (never met in real life) posted something about being glad she had a prenuptial agreement with her spouse because they had everything worked out and on paper before they got married.  Another person said they wished they had done that because it spelled everything out when the marriage ended…..it was that response that really got me thinking.  I certainly didn’t go into my marriage thinking about and planning for our divorce and how we would divide things up.  That actually made me very sad, and it made me think about how many people divorce in our society.  Marriage feels like a throw away thing…..it works today, but tomorrow it is hard so I am moving on.  I just don’t get that mentality.  Divorce is hard on kids…..I know sometimes divorce is necessary and is better in the long run, but there were so many people responding to the person who said it made the divorce so much easier and I was shocked that so m...

The ups and downs of having a hubby who has a traveling job are very, very real.  Unfortunately, I have never been one of those women who does everything for herself.  I went from living in my parents home to being married and a mom at 18 yrs old and living with my husband.  He was always there to pick up the slack and do the things I didn’t want to do….like cleaning the litter box (we have had cats just about our entire married life, so over 34 yrs), and I have never had to clean a litter box.  With him gone I do now….thankfully my son offers to do it for me most days, and he is great about telling me it doesn’t bother him. I have never had to cut the grass.  I am 53 years old, and have never cut the grass in my entire life until today!!!!  I realized the grass was getting long, and knew it would be extremely long before he comes home again, so I gave it a go.  Our yard is rather large, and the darn lawnmower petered out.  Turns out it needs a ne...

 This morning Brad was complaining about how long the grass will be before he returns home at the end of the week.  I agreed with him, so when he left for work I decided to try and cut the grass.  This is the first I’m ever that I have done it.  Unfortunately his lawn mower battery sucks and petered out of me shortly after I started.  I went online to order a new one thinking it just needed to be charged, but then found out that it indeed is broken.  He sent me a text telling me I should head over the Menards to buy a new batter.  Ummmm, that is one more thing on my list of things I truly don’t want to do. Ugghh, so now I have part of the back yard mowed, and have to wait fo the replacement batter to come on Thursday.  I could go to menards and buy another one…..my goal was to have two, but with one broken that leaves me still with only one.  Do I go?  Do I wait and have only one?  I just don’t know what to do.   All I do know ...

 Awhile back I decided I needed some help with meal prep, so I started to look around for food delivery.  I knew I didn’t want already cooked foods because if everything is already cooked there is no way of modifying it to fit those in my life who have different diets.  I came upon everyplate, so I gave them a try.  The price wasn’t too bad, and the recipes were okay.  The problem was that recipes seem to repeat a lot or they were similar.  I found that I was constantly making chicken or pasta, so I started on my question to find another program.  That was when I found dinnerly.  Dinnerly is slightly cheaper than everyplate.  For about the same price you get six meals instead of five.  After a short while I started to notice the same thing.  The meals started to repeat or felt as though it was the same thing all the time with minor changes to the recipes.   I then started to flip flop and one week would do one and then do the o...

 Today more seeds came.  That meant I had 100 lilac seeds to plant and see if I can get them growing.  Super excited…..hoping I don’t regret this especially since dirt, and bugs, and growing things has never been more my forte.   I now have three trays like this with seeds in them. I thought my grow lights and shelf were coming today, but apparently not.  Looks like those will arrive tomorrow which I suppose is a good thing because then hubby can help me bring it into the house.  I am assuming it is going to be a little heavier than I should be carrying.  We will see! When I first got out the soil, containers, and seeds Brennan came running in and said he wanted to help.  Next thing I know he is gone, and playing video games.  I guess he really didn’t want ot help.  That’s okay since this is my project and my adventure.   If things go as I have planned I will have a bunch of lilac bushes that I will be able to plant all over my yard...

 There are some days when I feel so strong, and then some days when I miss him so much and wish he was here every single day with me like he used to be.  Last night was one of the nights I really, really missed him.  My body was so sore and failing me so terribly…..I am sure it was because I cleaned the floors on the entire first floor of my home on my hands and knees (kitchen, three hallways, my bedroom, spare bedroom, and two bathrooms).   He was home yesterday morning, and we went shopping and he bought me a wind chime, and another lilac bush (he knows I love lilac bushes).  We had a nice lunch together, and relaxed.  Then off to work he went, and I started deep cleaning.  By bedtime I could really feel the burn in my body.  My hips and groin hurt (been having lots of problems with them), and my knee was in pain, and I was having some nerve pain.  As I lay there all I kept thinking was that I wished he was home with me.  If he was hom...

They deep clean their house…..that is what they do.  Yesterday when my husband left for work I started by making a ginormous list of things that need to get done in this house, and then started tackling them: sweep the kitchen and hallway floors Mop the kitchen and hallway floors (and by mop I actually got on my hands and knees and scrubbed them) Do all the dishes Clear off the table and countertops Wash the table and countertops Wash the appliances Sweep the side bathroom Mop the side bathroom Wash the mirror in the side bathroom Clean the sink in the side bathroom Empty the garbage in the side bathroom Straighten the two shelves in the side bathroom Sweep in my bathroom Mop in my bathroom Empty the garbage in my bathroom Wash the sink in my bathroom Wash the mirror in my bathroom Clean the tub in my bathroom Sweep the upstairs bathroom Mop the upstairs bathroom Clean the mirror in the upstairs bathroom Clear everything out of the upstairs hallway Sweep the upstairs hallway Mop th...

 My newest venture is one that is taking me completely out of my comfort zone.  I am going to try and grow various types of plants from seed.  The first one I am tackling is lilac bushes.  I have always wanted a bunch of lilac bushes all around my yard, but planting as many as I want would be costly.  I ended up purchasing 125 seeds (50 in dark purple, 50 in white, and 25 in a pale pink color).  I also bought a shelving unit with grow lights on it.   My plan is also to get Brad to install the greenhouse he bought years ago.  It has been sitting in our garage forever, and I would like to see if I can make this whole thing work to my advantage.   Wish me luck and follow my blog to see how it all goes in the long run.